NEWTRITION FACTS
Girls: 2
Days Until Graduation: 30
New Things per day: 1
Total New Experiences: 30
Refusal to acknowledge impending graduation: 96 %
General awesomeness: 100 %
Day Thirteen: FBI WARNING
We know that you have probably watched hundreds, maybe even THOUSANDS of movies in your lives. We also know that at the beginning of every one of those movies there has been a warning—a warning that is exTREMEly important—a warning that you have IGNORED. From 1980-1998, you fast-forwarded through it. From 1998-2011, you have pressed menu to avoid it altogether, and if you were ever FORCED to watch it…we know that you just stared blankly at the screen and did not actually READ it! We are here to make SURE that you realize what you have been missing all these years…and you BETTER WATCH THIS TIME!
p.s. Though we can’t prove it…this was completely memorized. That’s right….we didn’t just read the warning…we MEMORIZED IT! (…bet nobody’s ever done THAT before)
DAY FIFTEEN: Senior Round-Up!
Haven’t you heard of that old Brown tradition where seniors go around and compete in teams to get a freshman to drink with them in every freshman dorm on campus? Sounds like a great tradition, right?
Okay, so we actually conceived this idea ourselves after our plans to do the Sci Li challenge were foiled (really, stacks? you close at 10? what are you, STUPID?) — but the beauty of Senior Round-Up is truly unparalleled. First of all, it sounds so real! Every freshman we ran into and told about it was unquestioning. Secondly, you get to run around chanting “Sen-ior Round-Up!” (a la “Let’s Go Red Sox!”…..yes, there is some Boston bias going on here) and getting progressively more competitive and/or belligerent as the night progresses. Third, you get to carry a backpack filled with bottles of pink vodka punch and beer. And lastly, you get to drink with unsuspecting/confused/excited/sleepy/wary/badass freshmen!
Rules of Play: At each dorm, split up into teams before entry. Each team gets a bottle. Now mayhem ensues: each team must find a freshman and get them to finish the bottle with them as the fast as possible. The first team to complete this task wins. Other fun things to consider: getting into the freshman dorms, finding people on a Saturday night, how to approach and convince people who may be studying, what it would be like if we still had dinosaurs around today.
EXTRA-Special Epic Shout-Outs to Our Teammates/Partners in Mayhem:
“The Brains”
“‘The Cheater”
“The Planner”
“Little Miss Rally”
“Late Pants McGee”
“The Impostor”
…..and a handful of true freshman champions. Thanks for making this the best Senior Round-Up ever.
Love,
The Professional and Speedy McSnailsPace
DAY FOURTEEN: Bloody Marys!
Ingredients:
Clamato tomato cocktail mix
The cheapest vodka you can buy (hooray last two weeks of college!)
Worcestershire sauce
Salt
Pepper
Pickle Spears (we have an immense love for pickles and mixed feelings about celery)
Obtain the above ingredients. Borrow a shaker from your across the hall neighbor. Combine all ingredients essentially at random until the following two criteria are met: 1) it tastes delicious and 2)there is a copious amount of vodka. Pour over ice and stab in a pickle spear. DELICIOUS. (Optional: Bottle into old empty Diet Coke bottles and tote along as a refreshment to your friend’s horror movie screening.)
DAY TWELVE: Whisko! In the wake of the tragic closing of Brown’s late favorite sleazy Wednesday-night-desperation, lax-on-IDs dive bar, the Fish Company, affectionately known as FishCo., (moment of silence please), a new-and-improved (a.k.a. literally exactly the same) club has taken its place: Whiskey Republic. Being Providence nightlife connoisseurs to rival the likes of DJ Pauly D., we realized it was a travesty that we had never been to Whisko (like FishCo? Get it?) and quickly decided to remedy this situation. On Wednesday night, after a few preliminary drinks with our trusty compatriots, we piled into van cabs and headed off to the magical land known as Whisko. Whisko was SO different than FishCo! Our minds were blown. There is now a coat check with oyster crackers, renovated bathrooms with soap, no more pool table, and fewer poles* (*note: this fact up for discussion/debate.) We almost didn’t know what to think about all the huge changes!!
DAY ELEVEN: Ice cream (almost) Gallon Challenge!
The challenge: Two girls, two 1.5-Quart containers of ice cream, one night. The competitors: Espresso Chip and Breyer’s Neopolitan. Impossible, you say? Outlandish? Ridiculous? Nay! (Okay so… maybe impossible for one of us…. but for the record, espresso chip is a very dense and creamy flavor. And she finished her carton for breakfast.) Recommendations for interested ice-cream challengers: Choose a lighter flavor. Pace yourself; eat smaller portions, but constantly. Don’t scoop it out into a bowl every time lest you feel overwhelmed by how much appear to be left. Don’t be a coward. And never, ever, give up.
DAY TEN: Origami Zoo!
Who better to keep us company during finals than a wealth of questionably-constructed, flimsy, ambiguous paper creatures?
Meet the residents of Our Origami Zoo for Identity-Challenged Creatures:
“HATS (Hootie and the Stingrays)” the “Owl”/ Manta Ray
“Legs McLegs” the “Octopus”/ Dodecapus
“Lucinda” the “Horse”/ Llama
“Mr. Pointless” the “Frog”/ Folded piece of paper
…and a little crane who thinks she’s better than everyone else just because she’s tiny. Whatever, biddy, size doesn’t matter here at the OOZICC!
DAY NINE: Go to the Haffenreffer Museum of Anthropology!
Haff-en-reff-er. Noun: Someone who haffenreffs. See to haffenreff: verb (transitive): to fluff the fleece of sheep whilst they stand in puddles. “We need to haffenreff those lambs before the rainy season ends.” Alt (slang): to do the cabbage-patch. “Let’s impress those ladies by showing them how we break it down and haffenreff.”
Just kidding. The Haffenreffer is Brown’s very own museum of anthropology! We both realized we’d never been (despite its ridiculous proximity to everything we do), and decided to take a moment to be cultured and educated.
Here are some things we learned on our field trip to the museum!:
- Inuit whalers listen through their wooden oars to hear the vibrations made by the calls of passing whales in the water
- The money for the Haffenreffer museum was donated by the Haffenreffer family.
- The Museum originated with the private collection of Rudolf F. Haffenreffer, who founded the King Philip Museum in the early 20th century on the Mount Hope Grant in Bristol, RI.
- The Haffenreffer Museum of Anthropology’s Collections Research Center holds more than 100,000 ethnographic objects, archaeological specimens and images from all parts of the world.
- Some individuals find it very easy to actively ignore the fact that some art looks like a personified penis. http://vimeo.com/16104540
- We are not mature enough to be college seniors
- The Museum is open Tuesdays through Sundays 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.; closed Mondays and Brown University Holidays (which no longer includes Columbus Day…fuck you Columbus).
- Plastic baby dolls should not be used in art exhibits of any kind, Anthropological or otherwise, especially if the body of the fake newborn is not involved in the project.
- Brown has a museum of anthropology
Say Haffenreffer five times fast.
*Note: The word “Haffenreffer”, like Day Eight’s “chicks and bunnies,” can also be sung quite nicely to the tune of Wiz Khalifa’s Black and Yellow. Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something….
DAY EIGHT: Buddy the Elf’s Spaghetti! For those of you unfamiliar with the movie Elf (of which we hope there aren’t many because, let’s face it, if you’re not freakishly obsessed with Will Ferrell/Elf/Christmas/sugary things then we probably don’t want to be friends with you,) check out this clip for some context. Are you thinking what we’re thinking? That’s right: DELICIOUS. Just like Buddy says, we also try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
Ingredients for Buddy’s Delicious Spaghetti:
1) SYRUP. This is of primary importance. We opted for “Log Cabin” brand— as ever, striving for rustic perfection.
2) M&M’s in obscene quantities
3) Rainbow sprinkles…a necessity for all of our food consumption (why do you think our ABP salads always look so colorful?)
4) Mini-marshmallows on Easter clearance from CVS: 75 % off, 25 % stale, 100 % scrumptious. (We got the “chicks and bunnies” variety…and then proceeded to sing “chicks and bunnies, chicks and bunnies,” to the tune of Wiz Khalifa’s “Black and Yellow” for the duration of the evening. Clearly hip-hop geniuses born into the wrong circumstances.)
5) Spaghetti (including the gluten-free variety….hey, elves can be gluten intolerant too!)
Make pasta. Drown in syrup. Add some more syrup. More syrup. Top with marshmallows, M&M’s and sprinkles, and some more syrup. Pick up your fork—- no wait, add more syrup!—— and dig in. Devour. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Shout-out to one of our favorite, faithful, Elf-lovin’ readers (no….not like that….,) Lindsey T. Cassington! What’s your favorite color?
